apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just high enough for therapy.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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