I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
