K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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