You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
