it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
