i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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