I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he told me I talked like a deaf person
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
