Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
