AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
