Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
