Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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