The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
