wanna go halves on a baby?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Randomize
