dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
