I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
