I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i think my cat just said my name.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
