Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I party with great urgency now.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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