Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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