I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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