after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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