Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
