piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
