Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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