direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
