fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
