Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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