I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
