I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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