I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
