The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
