I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
