someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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