I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
