guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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