Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
