It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
