Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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