just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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