I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Found the puke drawer
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
