i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
