I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
third nipple confirmed
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
