i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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