i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
