You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
