I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
