im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
