forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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