My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
