I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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