I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
