How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
