I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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